when the universe calls

Nic pulled me aside in the hallway upstairs in the first house that has truly felt like something of my own and asked, "how would you feel about moving back to Arizona?"

Intuition: "A resounding, peaceful, confident YES!" // My brain: "FUCK. THAT! I'm not leaving what I've built here!"

You see, we've been here many times, in this very same conversation. This wasn't an unfamiliar question in the past 15 months of living in a shit-show of finances and career struggle since uprooting and moving away from every support system we ever knew. Every time previously I would feel appalled by his questioning and move on quickly from the subject, as I've felt more myself here than I ever have in my life (as an "ex-mormon" living in Utah--the Mecca, Zion, the holy land--that's saying something).

However this time, while my brain had a lot of protesting to do, I couldn't argue with intuition, a soft and gentle pull towards returning home. A simple knowing that there's something bigger than I, with its inner workings, flipping over puzzle pieces, one at a time to reveal at least the color scheme of this bigger picture puzzle.


Nic still wanted more of my thoughts but I was overwhelmed by my own brain in a boxing match with my intuition.


I was already feeling a pull to "pray" but I've been lacking the right verbiage in whom or what I'm praying to as the concept of god I believe to be more of divine energy rather than a "He" -- this lack of human language to express whatever it is I'm talking to (Universe? Divine entity? All the love and light in existence? Magical stardust in the cosmos?) had me putting it off and of course the formal prayer I was raised hasn't sat well with me since I first started to deconstruct my beliefs. Regardless, I was heading off to Sedona to cohost a Women's Wellness Retreat with my dear friend and mentor, June and I knew I'd find clarity there (Sedona just has that effect on people) and promised Nic I'd pray for more guidance.


Little did I know that this promise would break me wide open to the magic and wonder of the Universe with all of it's signs, symbolism, messages, signposts practically YELLING at me, "MOVE BACK!! Look what goodness will be held here!" at the same time, the sweetest, purest, most loving, soft voice, whispering "let your soul rest in knowing I've got you. I see you, all for the greatest good, my love."


As I recounted my inner conflict to the women at this retreat about how I'm moving "back", a dear sister said, "stop saying you're moving back, because you're moving forward. You're a new person, moving forward to new experiences."

I CAN'T PRETEND LIKE THE LAST 15 MONTHS ARE EASY TO MOVE ON FROM

I've given myself time to grieve what I'm leaving behind. I've never had quite this many close friends that all lived just a "do you have a cup of sugar I can borrow?" away (it happens in a community where houses are crammed together with little breathing room, in the best way possible). Our private little street between the townhomes was a safe-haven in the beautiful summer months when I was solo-parenting while Nic worked out of state, kids squealing, feet blackened, moms regularly yelling, "CAR!!!" each time a neighbor would leave or enter our street, having to run to gather all the toys strewn about. Laughing and communing until the sun went down on "I'm not tired yet's". I will always hold this neighborhood with so much sacred fondness and gratitude.


I found my first ever, deeply connected village. And for me, it truly took a village. These women who became sisters for the past year will never know the real impact they've had on me. And I grieve the distance from them the most.

NEW PERSPECTIVE // NEW EXPERIENCES

However, this Sedona sister was right. I AM a new person. I've learned that I create my village anywhere I go. I am the space holder, the connector, the community gatherer, the facilitator of the world I wish to see.

Nic and I have spoken of this world: chickens in the backyard, growing a garden, homeschooling our girls, teaching them through life experience, creating a family business with them as the driving force and decision makers, more chosen family gatherings, more sisterhood experiences. I've mentioned these sisterhood experiences here and there on Instagram; moon circles, cacao ceremonies, retreats for women forging their own path. And of course, we can't forget female empowerment photography and art I get to create in the desert, river/nature boudoir, and in some of my favorite photography studios.


It is with a breath of fresh air and so much gratitude that I get to say that I'm really excited to pursue these things while also living true to my Human Design as a splenic 6/2 projector, relieving the pressure and taking my foot off the gas, waiting for the invitation and recognition, and listening intently to my body's wisdom. We've been waiting on an official job offer for Nic before sharing the news publicly that we'd be returning to Arizona, which he officially received yesterday. And while it's SO bittersweet to leave Utah, I'm really excited to get to sink deep into my divine feminine magic, rest my soul and give more focus to my beautiful daughters. I'm also so thankful that it's not at the detriment of my sweet, incredible husband. He's diving into a new career that has felt right in his zone of genius and I'm so excited for him!


NOW BOOKING BOUDOIR AND CREATIVE FEMALE PORTRAITS IN ARIZONA

So dear friends, while I am entering this new phase with the intention of deeply grounding my body and giving my nervous system rest, I also know that to be my best for my family and my community, I need to feed my creative spirit but not without an inner knowing that each project is an exact right fit and my work is recognized and valued. With this said, if you're in Arizona and looking to create imagery that goes far past the surface of pretty and sexy looking boudoir photos and want to get more info on what it's like to work with me, check out my signature EMBLDN experience. It's so much more than just a photoshoot.